Session Five: Week 17

Before we got going tonight, a couple of people spoke with me privately about their feelings after casting the play last week. Some of their feelings were echoed later in the circle by other ensemble members – that the way people made their decisions led to perceived unfairness, and that we need to take a hard look at our casting process to refine it moving forward. I suggested that we process this for awhile and see what solutions we come up with for our year-end wrap up – the rawness that some are feeling now would likely cloud our judgment and lead to conflict.

Before we gathered in a circle, the ensemble member who turned in her book last week appeared in the doorway of the auditorium and beckoned me over. “I’ve been feeling really, really bad,” she said. “I’ve been crying and sad ever since I quit.” She said that she’d called several of her friends and family on the outside to talk it out, and all of them suggested to her that she come back. A former group member who was released earlier this year was particularly strong worded with her, reminding her of another member’s history of not getting the part she wanted three years in a row, and staying with the group nonetheless. This ensemble member hadn’t realized that, and it made her think. “Really, what it is, is I’m a spoiled brat,” she said, smiling a little. She’s decided to stay with the group, believing that this new perspective of not getting exactly what she wanted will teach her something important and give her an opportunity to grow. “Shakespeare has been such an important part of my recovery,” she said. “I don’t think you even understand how much.”

I’m ecstatic that she’s back, and I’m particularly thrilled by her reasoning for returning. Since she joined the group four years ago, this woman has come a long way in terms of her communication and conflict resolution skills, and her openness to others’ feelings and ideas. Although I know she’s learned a lot already, her strength in coming back humbly and open to not having a named role (at least for now) is just worlds away from where she was in the beginning. She shared all of this with the group as well, and everyone seemed happy to welcome her back.

What with some group members feeling burned by casting, and the holiday season being incredibly hard on everyone, we decided to take a break from Othello and play games through the new year. This proved to be a great distraction and a movement toward bonding everyone together again. We laughed a lot, getting better and better at working together in the moment – which is precisely why we spend time learning to improvise. “My head hurts from laughing,” said one woman (Jessica). That’s a rare thing this time of year.

All in all, we seem to be on the road toward having a cohesive ensemble again. Those who, thus far, don’t have much stage time will take a heavy hand in directing, knowing that we generally lose 2-3 people before the performance and they are likely to have an opportunity to step into a named role down the line. 

Session Five: Week 16

Tuesday

Tonight we finished out the play, tagging in and out as we went. While the ensemble members continued to be generous with each other for the most part, offering to take turns in many of the roles, a bit of a good-natured battle ensued between the women who want to play Emilia. They tagged in and out frequently but with humor, which was great because we got to see so many people reading the role.

The energy of the scenes was not lost as we moved through them, even with brief hiccups as people stumbled over unfamiliar lines (and the ensemble encouraged them to keep going and not apologize). One woman who was playing Desdemona in the final scene said, “When Emilia sings the willow song, it made me so sad. I wanted to cry even though I was dead.”

We then handed out our anonymous casting ballots, and each person found his or her own space in the room to vote. Ballots were folded in half, turned in to the facilitators, and tucked away in my folder. We chatted a bit as we waited for the last votes to come in, mentioning how important it is in an ensemble like ours to maintain composure – whether feeling happy or disappointed – when the cast is announced, so as not to hurt one another’s feelings.

A few people were absent, so we won’t have a final vote until Friday. The jury is still out on how we move on after that. We’ll decide that when we get there.

Friday

Tonight began by collecting the last of the votes, and the group played a new improv game while I tallied them up. I asked whether they would like me to post the cast list or announce it, and they chose for me to announce it. I reminded everyone to try to think “ensemble first,” and to try to keep a “poker face” with their reaction if possible to avoid hurting one another. They did both of these things very well, though some people were obviously (and understandably) disappointed with how things turned out. I reminded those people that we need to always think of our casting as fluid – it is likely that those who have “smaller” parts now will need to step into “larger” roles if we lose people prior to our performances.

It was difficult to move on from this – people obviously felt awkward and needed to decompress. We played improv games the rest of the night, getting back to a place of ease and comfort with one another. We’ll get back to Othello next week.

Things seemed to have gone pretty well, but one longtime ensemble member pulled me aside as everyone was leaving and turned in her book. She said that she was extremely disappointed in not having been voted into a larger part, given she’s been in the group for four years, and she feels that overall her attitude is not ensemble-first, and that may be detrimental to the group. I made sure she knew what a valued member of the group she’s been, and told her that she’s welcome to return at another time if she wants to. It is sad to see her go, but she’s made remarkable progress since I first met her, so at least we were able to say goodbye knowing she’s gotten what she needed from the group. 

Session Five: Week 15

Tuesday

We began tonight with a discussion about which parts everyone is interested in playing, as well as a conversation about how we are going to do our casting. We have talked about doing more formal auditions than we have in the past, as there was some conflict last year when we had an open discussion and “blind” vote.

There were varying opinions on the matter. A longtime ensemble member said, “I don’t like the idea of an audition because a lot of people don’t have time to prepare and give it their all. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” Of course then several of us reminded her that the way we did this last year does need adjusting. “I’d like to audition because I’ve never done it, and then we’ll really feel like we’ve earned our spots,” said one woman. “What if the audition is optional, and if you don’t want to, you can just talk about why you want the part?” suggested another. “We’ve seen so much of each other – we know each other so well at this point. It would be quicker not to do it,” said another woman.

We kept going round and round, and it was clear that there was not going to be group consensus one way or the other, so we started suggesting compromises. The one we decided to roll with is to move through the entire play, utilizing our “freeze” style of exploring, and having only people actually interested in a given role tag in and out for it. That way, we can think about casting while not putting unwelcome pressure and stress on the people who don’t want a formal audition. It may not be perfect, but that’s what we settled on. We believe we can get through the entire play by the end of next Tuesday, at which point everyone will vote anonymously in writing. Anyone who is absent Tuesday will be able to vote Friday, and we’ll have our cast after that.

After we had gone through Act I, we had time to chat. One woman who had had an especially bad day but showed up anyway, said,“I feel so much better. I’ve been trying not to feel like Iago, and I feel so much better now.”

Someone mentioned how exciting it was to see a woman who hasn’t gotten up much volunteer frequently. “You said show what you’ve got,” she said, “So I’m showing it, ‘cause I really want a part. I signed up for a lot – somebody’s not gonna want something and it’s gonna come right to me!”

Before we left, I asked the group how everyone was feeling. “It’s amazing,” said one woman. “Even though we’ve read it so much and keep doing the same thing over and over, it just keeps getting better.”

Friday

We spent the entire time tonight moving through the middle of the play, “freeze” style. We made great headway and got to see some wonderful work from a lot of people. People are being very generous with one another, offering each other chances to get up and explore rather than monopolizing a given part.

The give and take is great, and so is the passion and energy that each volunteer is bringing when she reads. One woman who has been fairly quiet but signed up as being interested in a number of “major” roles volunteered frequently, which is quite exciting.

The group is getting antsy to make cuts so we know the script we’re actually working with, but we are waiting till after casting to do this, as people may have lines they are very attached to, and we don’t want to cut things only to add them back in later.

Session Five: Week 14

Tuesday

Today before we began, the woman who was so upset that she left last week came in to talk with me one on one. I told her that if she chose to quit, that was her right, but I wanted her to have context for what she was told last week. When she had heard the full story, her concern changed to what the rest of the group must think of her now – how they reacted to her leaving. I reassured her that we all understood why she got so upset, and that everyone’s desire is for her to stay in the group. Although she had to leave early this particular night, she decided to stick with Shakespeare longterm.

We checked in, and the group expressed a need to play some ensemble-strengthening games. I chose three Theatre of the Oppressed exercises, which not only gave us a chance to loosen up and laugh, but were relatable in the context of our group, Othello, and our lives in general.

We sat down in a circle to play Freeze with a scene. Before doing this, one ensemble member asked if everyone could share the roles in which they are interested. This led us to talk about casting, which we decided to delay one week since we got derailed for several sessions. It’s possible that we will be able to return to our group discussion model of casting (with an anonymous written vote) rather than the more formal process we had discussed. It will depend on how well we can re-establish our safe space this week and next.

We then played around with Act III Scene III, in which Iago and Roderigo cause Cassio to fight while drunk and lose his job. While we find some humor in it, it definitely takes a darker turn than some of the ensemble members initially thought – and this is why it’s important for us to put scenes on their feet rather than simply reading them.

“This is where everything begins – where it all begins to form,” said one woman. “You really get to see Iago in action – how he tricks people, how easy they are to fool. And you see Othello before his breakdown.”

Kyle said, “It makes me realize how little actually happens except for this scene and the last – it’s mostly just ‘what ifs.’”

We had mostly been talking about Iago when I asked what everyone thinks about Cassio in this scene. “Ruined,” one woman stated immediately. “For the rest of the play, too. He never really comes back from this.”

“He goes against his better judgment… And I wonder how much he thinks about that,” said another.

“He has dignity in his falling – he handles it well throughout the rest of the play. He takes responsibility for his actions,” said another. We briefly talked about how this is all well and good, but it doesn’t accomplish anything until Othello, Desdemona, Emilia, Iago, and Roderigo are all dead, leaving a vacuum into which Cassio is thrust as the new person in charge.

We then disbanded for the evening, and I pulled aside the woman who had made the comment last week that caused so much upset. We talked for several minutes and determined that this group is not the right fit for her right now, so she won’t be coming back this session. She knows that the door is open to her in the future if she changes her mind. At the end of the day, this program isn’t for everyone, and, while I’m sad to see her go, we have to keep the ensemble at the forefront. Maybe we’ll see her again next year.

Friday

Tonight after checking in, one of the ensemble members taught and led a circle game that she learned in another group. It was a lot of fun, and it was great to see her take charge and lead like that. This is someone who came into the group with a feeling that she should keep her mouth shut and stay in the back, not volunteering to do much. There has been a shift for her – while she has her quiet days, she is often outspoken, encouraging of others, and takes the lead now and then.

We then sat in a circle and decided to work Act IV Scene III without “freezing it” – it’s a fairly short and emotional scene, and we wanted people to have a chance to move all the way through it.

The first woman to read Desdemona felt uncomfortable using her own voice, but we encouraged her to do so anyway. The scene worked pretty well for us, but the women reading felt like they didn’t go far enough with it.

The second pair to read had a very quiet interpretation. The woman reading Emilia said she felt “bad” – like she wasn’t focusing on the right things. We reassured her that this is a completely normal “actor feeling,” and we encouraged her to read more in the future. She also said that she fed off the woman playing Desdemona – “I was in tune with her,” she said.

We talked a bit about Emilia. “Maybe she gets that strong personality from being beaten down by Iago,” said one woman. “Maybe she’s learned from experience.” Another said, “She isn’t nice. She’s outspoken and strong.”

Another woman asked if we could do the scene “with more emotion.” The rest of the group playfully challenged her to show us what she meant, and she obliged. She and her scene partner played nearly the entire show at a heightened level, which worked in some ways and not in others. Interestingly, the woman playing Emilia said she felt heartless, and that’s not what we got from her.

Then another pair read, in a very different way. This Desdemona went on a roller coaster of emotion, and she also sang the song (everyone else had spoken the words but hadn’t sung). “It felt intense,” she said, “I’ve been going through a lot, so I just kind of put my emotions in there.” We remarked on her beautiful singing voice – and the fact that she sang in character. “It helped me to, like… act,” said the woman who read Emilia. “The way you acted – you were so into what you were doing… You really sang and you were really sad… You made me angry at men. Your energy helped my energy.”

The ensemble then asked Kyle and me to read, and we obliged. I played Desdemona in college, and it was really interesting to step back into this scene. The group loved what we did with it, remarking on our commitment to the scene, the way we moved in it, how we connected to each other, and how they didn’t find it odd at all that Kyle read in his own voice – hearkening back to the conversation we had earlier about reading in our own voices. The group is at a point where they can take what they need from our interpretations and not think of them as definitive, so I’m comfortable reading when they ask us to or it seems appropriate.

Session Five: Week 13

Tuesday

We began tonight by watching the Go Further video that was made about our program. We watched it several times (it’s brief!). I asked the group what they thought about it and how it made them feel.

“I think it conveyed a powerful message about this group and what we do here… I think it really humanized us as prisoners and it de-stigmatized prison as just ‘corrections,’” said one woman.

“I felt overall it was pretty cool – there are very few people out there who take a moment to find out what we’re really about,” said another.

“I get a lot of woman empowering from it. It made me want to stay in this class. I get a lot of doubt… I get that fear of performing, but watching that was empowering,” was another comment.

“It gives our moms and people at home some hope, knowing that their children can get help and find something they like when they’re here,” said another ensemble member.

At this point, we circled up to check in with each other. A few ensemble members shared some personal difficulties they are having, and some tears were shed. We made sure to be supportive, and thanked them for being honest with us, as it helps us to be more sensitive. One person mentioned that she had been having a bad day during our last session, much of which was a group discussion, and she wished she’d told us so that she could have been a more constructive part of the conversation.

After we lowered the ring, in the midst of determining what to do with the rest of our time, a member of the group threw down her book and left, extremely upset. After our initial confusion, we determined that there had been a miscommunication between her and someone else in the group that led her to believe that we were talking about her in a negative way when she wasn’t there to “defend herself.” This is not at all what happened, but the way it was phrased to her, with no context or further explanation, led to her feeling unsafe and upset. We all could understand that, and we spent a good deal of time trying to help the person who made the comment to understand what her alternatives might have been. The conversation got quite heated, and a number of ensemble members left to “cool off,” stating that they would be back on Friday.

In the end, I hope that the person who was upset will be open to an explanation of what actually occurred when she was absent and the unfortunate phrasing that the other group member used to tell her about it. I also hope that the latter person will reflect on what happened and learn from it. We can certainly make our space safe again, but it’s going to take work on each ensemble member’s part to get there. 

Friday

Meeting on the day after Thanksgiving was something we knew would present challenges, as it coincides with a visiting day. We were expecting facilitators to get through security a little late, and for a number of group members to be absent due to visits. Both of these things were true, so it was a smaller, shorter meeting than usual, but it was productive nonetheless.

During our check-in, we revisited the issue of how long this part of our routine sometimes takes. We decided to further emphasize that this is a time to share important personal updates (both positive and negative), and not a time for small talk or goofing around.

The woman whose comment caused an ensemble member to leave last time, leading to a discussion that made many people upset, apologized to the group. I asked her if she wanted to say anything else, and she said no. No one wants to keep discussing this, but we decided that we’re going to have to revisit it once more when more people are present to be sure we’ve all learned from the experience. I reiterated to all that, while being defensive in prison is natural, in our group we must trust each other and believe that we are all inherently good – we need not read things into people’s comments and actions, but take what we’re told at face value.

We decided to play a bit to loosen up and start the process of re-establishing our safe space. We played a couple of games, the second of which led us to do some pretty silly and outrageous physical actions. It didn’t totally work, though, because one ensemble member didn’t fully commit. I asked her why, and she said that she’s uncomfortable being silly – more uncomfortable than dealing with the vulnerability that comes with some of the darker themes in our play. We talked about pros and cons of being uncomfortable in a theatre game – what’s the worst that could happen, and what’s the best? I mentioned a quote from John Patrick Shanley that Kyle shared with us a few weeks ago: Theatre is a safe place to do the unsafe things that need to be done. We all assured her that she can let loose with us – we’re doing the same.

This bled into a conversation about how our perspectives on art change over time. “When art makes you uncomfortable, it’s doing its job,” said one woman. One woman said she’s been having a hard time recently dealing with racist themes and language in movies she grew up watching – she sees all of that differently now. She sees herself as a representative of her people (she’s a woman of color), and that feeling puts a lot of pressure on her “not to make a mistake.”

I asked if she had ever considered whether Othello might feel the same way. How much would a similar feeling drive him, both in the play’s back story and in the play itself? He is written to be the only person of color in the play – maybe the only person of color some of these characters have ever seen. How intense must the pressure to perform, to find a way to be respected, be? One woman mentioned that we’ve all felt that way to a certain extent – even those of us who are not cultural minorities have felt pressure as the only woman in a group of men to somehow perform better than they expect us to.

With this new perspective, we put part of Act I Scene III on its feet with our “freeze” approach. We decided to focus on Othello’s monologues. When we got to Desdemona’s entrance, we stopped.

“Othello is smart,” said one woman. “He uses what they think of him to his advantage. When you approach something in the right way, you get what you want.” The rest of the group nodded – we agreed with this assessment. Considering Othello’s status as an outsider will almost certainly be of great concern moving forward.

We raised our ring back up with a feeling of having begun to move on from a very rocky time. There was still an undercurrent of tension, though, as the woman who apologized at the beginning of our meeting chose not to participate in anything we did, either physically or verbally. I’m not sure why she made that decision, but I’m hoping when we meet next week she’ll be more comfortable doing the work with the rest of us.